DEADBEAT BIOS
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This is to provide some background into those mysterious newcomers, and to let you know who they are when you find them. Try and meet (and beat) them all!


Imperial City
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Vinnie Gozetti - An authoritave and rather cranky old man, Vinnie claims to have come to Cyrodiil from his "homeland", where he was rich an influential. He started up a pizza resturaunt/strip club which enjoyed surprising success, due in no small part to other resturaunt owners in the area accidentally stepping into wet cement and then mistakingly falling into the river. He left the shop to his brother to move to the Imperial City, where he established a library/strip club, a ranch/strip club, and a rehab clinic/strip club. His great success came to a sudden halt when his three new businesses burned down in one amazingly unlucky night. Vinnie's injury turned to insult when his brother claimed to be starting his own family (the rest of cyrodiil took this as good news, although rather confused at all his 30-year-old children calling him "godfather") and Vinnie was left in the Imperial City with hardly any money and an accent nobody could clearly understand. He now travels from bar to bar when he isn't hiding his miniscule pizza shop from the Imperial Health Inspector.

Dimmo Deuche - Dimmo always thought of himself as a nice guy who just couldn't keep his hands in his pockets (although his hands are often quite deep in his pockets and moving vigorously for some reason). Not the smartest guy, Dimmo thought the best way to avoid a fight was to get drunk. That ended up going the other way, but of course he never remembers a brawl. In his mind, he hasn't been in a fight since 8th grade (of the Arcane University). Also in his mind, his bruises and scars are the work of aliens abducting him every night and then punching him in the face to see what happens.

Aikos Barelen - Not much to say about Aikos. He's ugly, ill-tempered, and annoying. His main problem is that his strength doesn't match his fierocity. He picks a fight with any argonian he sees, but in the end always turns up unconscious behind the bartender's counter. Vinnie and Dimmo seem to love beating him down.

Munier "Moony" Sarn - Moony thinks he's Akatosh's gift to women...or Dibella's gift to women...or whatever crazy god that handles the gift-giving to the women. He goes from bar to bar waiting for an attractive lady to step in. Unfortunately, by the time one turns up, he's downed four bottles and thinks he's the illegitimate son of Uriel Septim. Seems to have a beef with Waryan.

Waryan the Shitfaced - Nords of Skyrim are really running out of titles. While his brother earned the named Pofgar the Occasionally Indecisive and his uncle was dubbed Yond the Chronic Masturbater, poor Waryan found himself without title at the age of 30. This led him to a bar in Bruma where he drank with Skilsko the Barbarian Formerly Known As Prince. Skilsko bought him a couple drinks out of pity, and next thing he knows he wakes up with an orc hooker and everybody calling him Waryan the Shitfaced. Could be worse. The nord giving him looks from across the bar would later be known as Foul Fagus.

Bunghul - Bunghul is one wierd orc. He claims to be an artist but the only thing he ever created was one of the bloodiest riots in the history of Cyrodiil. That faithful day, Bunghul had an errand to run bringing a copy of the Black Horse Courier to his aunt. He figured he didn't want to face his aunt sober, so he downed some cold ones in the Merchants Inn. On his way out, Bunghul foolishly grabbed the Scroll of Drunken Asswhooping from the bartender's counter thinking it was the newspaper. He handed it to his aunt who was sitting outside, and the puzzled old woman read the incantations of the parchment while facing a group of Imperial Legion guards and a passing mage. The riot got so horrendous that the mighty gods of Bethesda had to step in to lessen the violence. So they dumbed down the radiant AI until the rioters were running into walls and gave up, leaving the Imperial City sparsely populated and filthy. Bunghul drinks daily to try to hide from the many angry Oblivion players who are still unaware that he is responsible for all their disappointments.

Angel "Raging" Rivera - Former boxer turned Skooma runner, Angel got busted just before becoming a made man in the Gozetti family. Upon his release, he swore on his grandmother's grave that he would never touch Skooma again. Two months later, he got another addiction and became a regular of the Bloated Float. He pals around with Glomb and Deth but after a few bottles they throw him off the deck.

Glomb the Bomb - Used to be a celebrated wrestler, Glomb earned one of the best Nord titles ever after he got a reputation for slamming himself down onto his defeated opponents to end a match. "...Like dropping a bomb!" said the Black Horse Courier. Nobody in Tamriel really knows what a bomb is, but Glomb apparently looks like one. His career came to a sudden halt when he was banned from the wrestling federation for taking a glass wine bottle and breaking it on a fan's skull. The attack turned out to be highly immitatable.

Guilar "Chez" Ashandu - Chez thinks he's hot shit. Everyday he tells Glomb, Angel and Deth that he's going to make it big someday. Not clear at what he wants to be big as, but the story goes he had his chance. In Morrowind, he claims he and three friends made something called a "rock band" by charging their lutes and drums with electric magic. However, before they could make themselves known, a mysterious movement known as the "Purists" shut them down, claiming that they were "Going against the lore!" and "Ruining the Medeival theme". Chez likes to recite some of his old material after a few bottles. Thank Akatosh the Bloated Float is soundproof.

Tolio "Deth" Gro-Dethmur - Who is Deth? A former mercenary? A shamed gladiator? The Nerevarine? Nobody asks Deth about his personal life without receiving discount dentistry via his clenched fist. One thing is for sure, this tall, mighty orc is bad when he's sober and worse when he's drunk. And he's never sober. Every day he drinks at the Bloated Float with Angel, Glomb, and Chez but he makes it clear he isn't looking for friends. Instead, he waits for someone to throw the first punch, the first insult, or just the first awkward stare, and then he shoves his spoon up the ass of the nearest sorry bastard. Even the Bloated Float bouncer can't take him down alone. Deth is the reason only the toughest have a right to walk into the Bloated Float. If you're new, he can smell it on you, and will beat you down just to kill some time. So heed the warnings of the Imperial City citizens. Be careful.



Anvil
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Old Man Furgith - Furgith made a living running the lighthouse of Anvil. 40 years and they fired him for a guy who is rumored to have a thing for keeping his mother around downstairs. At least Anvil is an ok place to retire in.

Volash Dar-Rumlin - Volash has some sort of adrenaline imbalance in his body. His entire life, he's had a craving for action and lots of it. So when the opportunity came to join a group of bandits, he didn't hesitate to tag along. After a week, the bandit leader was getting sick of Volash's "Hey, let's mug that guy! And that guy! And that guard over there!". So the troupe made a side trip to Anvil, where they offered a bunch of free drinks to the twitchy orc. The story ends with him passed out, robbed, and abandoned by the bandits. A couple weeks have passed so Volash could just leave Anvil to find some action. Unfortunately, the bandits put the drinks on his tab.

Afro Thunder - In his younger days, Afro was a renowned boxer. He wasn't the biggest guy, but he was the fastest and craziest. "Ready to rumble at a moment's notice!" the Black Horse Courier wrote. Sadly, after two championships, the boxing league he and Angel Rivera were in ended without warning. It's been about 6 years since and Afro Thunder has put on some weight. Careful; when he's drunk he thinks he's back in the ring.

Assface Donno - Assface is the victim of a cruel but honost-to-god hilarious practical joke. Thirty or so years ago, some guy adopts a bunch of kids, gives them funny names, and sends them all back after the paperwork is finalized. Assface is one of ten orphans who want that joker dead, but you have to admit even the most loving adoptive parent would have given him the same name.

Fagio But-Luv - One day a young orc sailor happened upon a lucky find. A DVD copy of Martin Scorcece's "The Departed" washed upon his shore. Then a DVD player. Then a widescreen LCD TV. Then a universal remote. Then a power adapter and one electric generator. A PS3 is rumored to have washed on shore next, but Fagio fed it to his pet Nix Hound. After watching the film ten times, he fell in love with Mark Whalberg's hairstyle (and Leonardo DiCaprio) and did his best to recreate it for his own scalp. Fagio strolls the sailor bars of Anvil eager to impress the...guys???

Blondy McSondy - A young sailor dreaming of living adventure, finding fortune, and being anally penetrated by a well-groomed orc.

Hans Shizahouzer - Being a pirate is alright to be. Hans does what he wants cuz a pirate is free. He is a pirate! Yo har deedledee dee...

Ryu Hazuki - He's looking to find some sailors. Do you know a place where he can find some sailors? How about a game of Lucky Hit?


Chorrol
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Tados Oellos - There is nothing interesting about Tados Oellos. Whatsoever.

Siray Ihsibu - He sucks too.

Luda Krys - Luda was one of the many people caught in the Rock and Roll revolution started by Guilar Chez Ashandu and his buddies. He was inspired to take those electric instruments and send everything in a new direction. Sadly, the Purists caught on before Luda even finished his first song. Very few citizens of Tamriel would ever know the sound of rap music.
Lucky them.



Cheydinhal
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Duge Pudugles - Duge always had a tendency to...mouth off. Seems like every time he's with his old man he's giving him lip. Then he's putting the...smackers... on the owner of the Newlands Lodge.
Also he has the biggest freakin' lips ever.

Yammo Gro-Sammo - It's a tough job being a deadbeat. It certainly wasn't Yammo's first application. Before Oblivion, he tried to find work in Half-Life 2 as a stunt double for vortigaunts. Unfortunately his ragdoll physics weren't quite up to speed. So he tried for a position in Fatal Frame 3 as a ghost calling on the phone. That lasted about a week before Yammo was fired for moaning a little to excitedly and repeatedly asking the main character "Keep talking, dirty girl!" Finally he whored himself out in a few hentai video game titles (His most notable performance was in "Yammo-Yammo Fun Time!") until a fan in Bethesda recommended him for a new opening in The Elder Scrolls. You could say he drinks because it's part of his job, but talks in his sleep reveal him trying to forget a certain incest rape scene involving Hello Kitty in one of his overseas smut titles.



